Tag Archives: ponderings

independence

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on this fourth of july, i find myself thinking about the word “independence”.  so often, this word is accompanied by the little preposition, from.  we wanted independence from great britain.  we want independence from oppression.  we want independence from government.  we want independence from our parents.  we want freedom from something else that we view as holding us back or fettering us.

but what does this idea of independence look like in my life?  what should a Christian life be?  should i really long for independence?  rather, should i long to be independence on something? john 15: 1-11 says:

I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. already you are clean because of the word that i have spoken to you. abide in me, and i in you. as the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. i am the vine; you are the branches. whoever abides in me and i in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. if anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. if you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. by this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. as the Father has loved me, so have i loved you. abide in my love. if you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as  i have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. these things i have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.

abide in me.  apart from me, you can do nothing.  it would seem as though we are not to wander through this life trying to do it on our own.  trying to be independent.  trying to be our own island.  man was created to abide.  man was created to be in fellowship with the Father.  to be constantly fed my the wellspring of life.  we cannot cut ourselves off and expect to flourish.  we need to be connected to the vine in order to be fruitful.  we need the holy sap to infuse our lives with His grace and sustenance that we might have life.  we wither away when we are away from the vine.

furthermore, we are created to be a part of a large vine.  we aren’t just lone plants in individual pots.  we are part of an interwoven family of shoots and branches and leaves that are dynamic.  each part growing and feeding.  God provides the nourishment and the pruning.  our job is to stay tapped in.  to continue to bear fruit.  to become bigger and stronger.  this is why we need other people to speak into our lives.  this is why we need community.  this is why we need companions.  this is why we need the local church.  we are called to be a part of something bigger than just our little branch.  the vine should be robust and conspicuous so that it is clear that it is a healthy vine.  the healthy vine brings glory to the Creator.

i need to be abiding.  i need to be independence on Christ.  only when i abide in Him and depend on Him for life will my joy be full.  and that is what i want.  fullness of joy.  that is true freedom.

eating humble pie

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ben and i are pretty good at sticking to our menu and routine during the week.  we like a schedule, i suppose.  but, there are days when you just need to toss all of that planning aside and do something spontaneous.  people need a dash of spontaneity.

i have been entrenched in the planning of a major upcoming work event that rests on my shoulders.  there is much to do.  it is a lot of moving parts.  and has to be PERFECT.  now, while i love planning and organizing [any excuse to make spreadsheets and checklists and folders!], it can be exhausting and start to take its toll.  after weeks of being in the thick of it, i needed to come up for air.  plus, i have been ferociously fighting “placenta brain”.  please, dear sweet peanut, will you allow me just a few more weeks of clear thinking before you suck all of the blood flow from my brain? now is not exactly the time for me to be fuzzy and have thoughts just drop out of my head.

so, after some seriously intense days at work, hubby and i kinda threw our hands in the air and said, “enough!  we need some pizza!”  and so, we took a trip to our go-to pizza place, humble pie.

just what we needed in every way.  chopped salad.  pizza with crispy, chewy crust.  and even a pizza cookie for dessert!  we really lived it up.  and somewhere between our appetizer and the last bite of ooey-gooey cookie goodness…our minds and spirits were renewed.  while the pizza is close to magical, i don’t think that’s what did the trick.  i am thinking that our al fresco conversation is what refreshed us.  we talked about our interactions with people, our work, our witness.  and very quickly, my attitude of “poor me…i work so hard…does anybody notice…do i matter…i do the work of three people…if i want it done right, i have to do it myself, other people just wreck stuff…yada, yada, yada…” shifted.  my outlook changed.  my heartset was altered.  we started talking about humility.  about doing all we do for the glory of God.  about working as unto God and not man.  about being the least of these that God may exalt me in due time.  about serving others.  about pouring into others.  about reflecting the love of Christ in EVERYTHING.  and soon, that humble pie that i was eating was really making a difference.  it was that renewal that i needed – that i need constantly. the Christian life is a lifelong pursuit of holiness.  a journey.  a walk.  a pattern of exhibiting more and more of Christ and less and less of me.  humility. 

i guess that sometimes God’s rich lessons are served in a pizza box.

a scandalous freedom

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oh, this is a controversial and fascinating book.  i love books that challenge me and make me think beyond my theological comfort zone.  we have been discussing the idea of true freedom in our community group and some fantastic conversation has been sparked.  what does it mean to be free?  how have i defined freedom in Christ?  is my definition the right one?  am i still a slave to the law?  or am i a slave to righteousness?  perplexing.

…

galatians 5: 1

for freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.

romans 6 [all of it] but particularly verse 18

and,  having been set free from sin,  have become slaves of righteousness.

john 8:31-37

so Jesus said to the jews who had believed him, “if you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will  know the truth, and the truth  will set you free.” they answered him, “we are offspring of abraham and have never been enslaved to anyone. how is it that you say, ‘you will become free’?”  Jesus answered them, “truly, truly, i say to you,  everyone who practices sin is a slave to sin. the slave does not remain in the house forever;  the son remains forever. so if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed…”

…

God has set us free.  Jesus paid it all, all to Him i owe.  sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.  we are justified in His eyes.  we are free.  and God has set us free from sin to live a life of freedom in Christ.  why is it that we then choose to walk our Christian walks chained to the former life OR in bondage to a new way life that we have devised based on the law?  rather than delighting in God’s lavish grace, we become fearful of igniting His displeasure.  we stick to rules and impose those rules on others.  why don’t we find rest in His all-sufficient grace?  why, once we are freed from the yoke of slavery to the master of sin, do we choose to take up a new yoke of slavery to man-made regulations?

Jesus not only opened the door to the prison, He loosed our chains.  He destroyed the locks.  He threw away the key.  He led us away from this prison and welcomed us to His banquet table.  He gave us snow-white linens and put a royal robe on us.  we now have access to the Most High.  we are sons and daughters of the Creator of the universe and King of glory.  the King then gives us His signet ring and offers us bountiful land for our stewardship and sustenance and a kingdom for our enjoyment.  at His right hand are pleasures forevermore.  sounds pretty good.  okay, so why do we throw off our robes, tear our clothes, roll in the dirt, dress in sackcloth and ashes, beat our chest, run back to the prison, slam the door behind us, and sit in our cells. all the while, complete freedom to be free and enjoyment of a life with our Savior is right outside the unlocked prison door.  instead, we choose a life of imprisonment in that cell.  a self-imposed sentence to a miserable life indeed.  is it because we long for the “security” of that cell?  the familiarity of that cell?  the isolation of that cell? is it easier to follow rules and check off boxes on our “to-do” and “to-don’t” list while we scratch off the days on the wall of our cell instead of living the adventurous life of freedom?  are we scared of what freedom truly means?

what is with us and our all too common freedom-stifling tendency?  a freedom-less life is a life without joy and void of celebration of our unique gifts in Christ.  this book has challenged to me explore the joys of biblical freedom.  to open the door to the fresh air of liberty in Christ.  and yes, while i don’t agree with everything in the book…it does challenge me to engage my mind.  to munch on the meat of the Word.  to discern Biblical truth and conform my life to those precepts.  to become a slave to righteousness.  may i continue to be sharpened as God uses His word to renew my mind and refresh my walk.

darkness

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good friday.

the passion and death on the cross of the Lord Jesus Christ.

matthew 27:24-61

24 so when pilate saw that he was gaining nothing, but rather that a riot was beginning, he took water and washed his hands before the crowd, saying, “i am innocent of this man’s blood; see to it yourselves.” 25 and all the people answered, “his blood be on us and on our children!” 26 then he released for them barabbas, and having scourged Jesus, delivered him to be crucified.

27 then the soldiers of the governor took Jesus into the governor’s headquarters, and they gathered the whole battalion before him. 28 and they stripped him and put a scarlet robe on him, 29 and twisting together a crown of thorns, they put it on his head and put a reed in his right hand. and kneeling before him, they mocked him, saying, “hail, king of the jews!” 30 and they spit on him and took the reed and struck him on the head. 31 and when they had mocked him, they stripped him of the robe and put his own clothes on him and led him away to crucify him.

32 as they went out, they found a man of cyrene, simon by name. they compelled this man to carry his cross. 33 and when they came to a place called golgotha (which means place of a skull), 34 they offered him wine to drink, mixed with gall, but when he tasted it, he would not drink it. 35 and when they had crucified him, they divided his garments among them by casting lots. 36 then they sat down and kept watch over him there. 37 and over his head they put the charge against him, which read, “this is Jesus, the king of the jews.” 38 then two robbers were crucified with him, one on the right and one on the left. 39 and those who passed by derided him, wagging their heads 40 and saying, “you who would destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, save yourself! if you are the Son of God, come down from the cross.” 41 so also the chief priests, with the scribes and elders, mocked him, saying, 42 “he saved others; he cannot save himself. he is the king of israel; let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him. 43 he trusts in God; let God deliver him now, if he desires him. for he said, ‘i am the Son of God.’” 44 and the robbers who were crucified with him also reviled him in the same way.

45 now from the sixth hourthere was darkness over all the landuntil the ninth hour. 46 and about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” that is, “my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” 47 and some of the bystanders, hearing it, said, “this man is calling elijah.” 48 and one of them at once ran and took a sponge, filled it with sour wine, and put it on a reed and gave it to him to drink. 49 but the others said, “wait, let us see whether elijah will come to save him.” 50 and Jesus cried out again with a loud voice and yielded up his spirit.

51 and behold, the curtain of the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. and the earth shook, and the rocks were split. 52 the tombs also were opened. and many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised, 53 and coming out of the tombs after his resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many. 54 when the centurion and those who were with him, keeping watch over Jesus, saw the earthquake and what took place, they were filled with awe and said, “truly this was the Son of God!”

55 there were also many women there, looking on from a distance, who had followed Jesus from aalilee, ministering to him, 56 among whom were mary magdalene and mary the mother of james and joseph and the mother of the sons of zebedee.

57 when it was evening, there came a rich man from arimathea, named joseph, who also was a disciple of Jesus. 58 he went to pilate and asked for the body of Jesus. then pilate ordered it to be given to him. 59 and joseph took the body and wrapped it in a clean linen shroud 60 and laid it in his own new tomb, which he had cut in the rock. and he rolled a great stone to the entrance of the tomb and went away. 61 mary magdalene and the other mary were there, sitting opposite the tomb.

…

before thy cross i kneel and see the heinousness of my sin, my iniquity that caused thee to be ‘made a curse’, the evil that excites the severity of divine wrath. show me the enormity of my guilt by the crown of thorns, the pierced hands and feet, the bruised body, the dying cries. thy blood is the blood of incarnate God, its worth infinite, its value beyond all thought. infinite must be the evil and guilt that demands such a price. sin is my malady, my monster, my foe, my viper, born in my birth, alive in my life, strong in my character, dominating my faculties, following me as a shadow, intermingling with my every thought, my chain that holds me captive in the empire of my soul. sinner that i am, why should the sun give me light, the air supply breath, the earth bear my tread, its fruits nourish me, its creatures subserve my ends? yet thy compassions yearn over me, thy heart hastens to my rescue, thy love endured my curse, thy mercy bore my deserved stripes. let me walk humbly in the lowest depths of humiliation, bathed in thy blood, tender of conscience, triumphing gloriously as an heir of salvation.

::  the valley of vision  ::

…

Lord, help my heart to reflection upon my Savior’s passion as i ponder the darkness of my own heart.  may i become more deeply acquainted with my sin that put my Savior on that cross that i may rejoice all the more in my redemption. it’s friday but sunday’s coming…

visual theology

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i snagged this piece of visual theology from mr. tim challies. he is the author of one of my daily staple blogs, challies.com where he seeks to “inform the reformed” by offering biblical commentary, social observations, book reviews, and much more…all from a reformed perspective.  a few weeks ago, i saw this image on his blog and just had to feature it.  sometimes, seeing truth in images makes it more vivid.  you might remember a few months back, i posted on the topic of elevated thinking following a particularly striking sermon at our church.  this section of scripture has challenged me to be more aware of my thought life and to focus on things above.  anytime i am trying to focus on something and be diligent in my actions, it is helpful to remind myself as often as possible…post-it notes on a mirror, magnets on the fridge, papers posted in conspicuous places, etc.  for me, it helps to SEE IT.  may this serve as a reminder for us to ”think on these things” and take our thinking to an elevated place.

…

coram deo

the ides of march

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soothsayer: beware the ides of march.

caesar: what man is that?

brutus: a soothsayer bids you beware the ides of march.

julius caesar, act 1, scene 2, 15-19

isn’t it amazing how easy it is to work ourselves into a tizzy?  become paranoid or stressed over the silliest things?  how one wrong word or anxious look can send us spiraling into a panic of worst case scenarios and worry?

why do i fret and let others occupy space in my mind?  why do i willingly oblige as the concerns of this life take root in my head and begin to force out all other shoots of healthy thinking?  why do i put so much stock in the opinions of others?  just because someone whispers in my ear, it doesn’t mean that i should turn my life inside out with worry.  i should trust in my God who has ordained my steps and counted the hairs on my head and predestined the days of my life.  i am His.  i need not be superstitious or consumed with worry over the calamities or hubbub of this life.  i need to live my life in a way that shows my reliance on His grace and mercy.  i should not simply wander through this life, being tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the slight or craftiness of men, after the wiles of error [ephesians 4:14]…i can be strong and courageous [deuteronomy 31:6].  i do not need to be fearful or tremble at worldly threats.  i have a blessed assurance.  i can trust that He works all things for good [romans 8:28].  that His mercies are new every morning [lamentations 3:23].  that all good things come from above [james 1:17].  and that even when things are not all sunshine and flowers…that He turns my mourning into joy [jeremiah 31:13].  He comforts me.  He grants a garland of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit [isaiah 61:3].

i must say, my God has been very good to me today.  there are always plenty of reasons to fret about what today or tomorrow brings, but He is the lifter of my head [psalm 3:3].  He has made me glad.  this ides of march is one that i will remember as a day that God, once again, showered His goodness on me.  i am so blessed to be His child.

…

soli deo gloria

contemplations of mr. charles

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good day, fine people.  today, i would like to discuss a little thing called bathtime.  every so often, i am forced to participate in this ritual.  the signs are clear:  towels, shampoo, brush, running water, and the removal of my collar.  these all point to one end – bathtime.  i am actually a pretty good sport, all things considered.  i straddle the sink and stand patiently as my mom lathers and rinses.  sure, the warm water feels nice and i even get to enjoy a mini massage.  and, i won’t even complain about the brushing and drying.  but, the whole process is still an inconvenience to me.  sometimes, i get soap in my mouth [see picture number four above].  sometimes, i have to get my nails clipped. sometimes, it takes way too long to brush out my ears to get rid of the knots and make them extra fluffy.  the grooming experience can be an annoyance.

however, during this weekend’s bathtime, my mom reminded me of the needtobreathe song, washed by the water…

even when the rain falls, even when the flood starts rising, even when the storm comes, i am washed by the water.

this did make me stop and ponder [i had plenty of pondering time while mom was drying and brushing and fluffing and coiffing] the idea of bathtime.  i started thinking about it in a new light.  even though the water can be inconvenient, bothersome, or even painful…it still washes.  sure, i may not always enjoy it, but the result is a clean, new me.  i do feel much better after a bath.  and it does feel good to be all shiny and bright and fresh.  i will remember this next time mom starts running the water in the sink…even when the faucet is turned on, even when the water fills the sink, even when i get water in my eyes…i am washed by the water.  it is good to be clean.

march on

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ahhh…a fresh month.  i am going to take this opportunity to read real simple cover to cover and actually use some of those fabulous ideas.  the pages of this magazine are filled with simple wonders.  very doable ideas and tips that i just need to do.  i always pick it up and pick through the pages thinking “wow, neat idea” or “hmmm…i should really remember that for next time…”  well, the time is now for those neat ideas.  it’s happening folks.

this is going to be a month of progress.

of getting better.

of getting stuff done.

of marching forward.

of carpe diem.

in fact, i am going to carpe this entire mensis.

perspective

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okay.  hubby and i don’t normally get into lent.  sure, we always think that it is a nice notion.  we applaud the self-control of others.  we might even say things like “we should” or “next year”.  but, that is pretty much the extend of our involvement.  because we have failed to participate in the past, lent isn’t exactly circled on our calendar.  in fact, this year, we were about 6 days in when we finally said “oh, it’s lent”.  oops.  however, this year, we didn’t simply shrug our shoulders and go about our business.  we decided to jump in.  [better late than never, right?] and we decided to start with something basic.  this year, ben and i resolved to give up sugar. now this is a tough one for me.  i love desserts.  i love candy.  i love chocolate.  milkshakes.  gummy bears.  ice cream.  if it is sweet, i have a tough time abstaining.  but not this time.  this time, we are doing it.  we might have gotten off to a late start, but we are in it now.  no more sugar!  i know it is a little thing, but it feels big.  while sugar is a tiny sacrifice compared to others, i still feel that very real pull every time i walk by the ice cream aisle or candy bins or when i am handed the dessert menu at a restaurant. however, this seemingly small sacrifice has prompted much contemplation about real sacrifice.

during my online wanderings, i headed over to the güngör website.  and i am so glad that i did.  for there, staring back at me on the screen, was a thought-provoking blog entry about sacrifice, lent, and perspective.  so meaningful and true.  what a great reminder.  this helped to renew my mind and i hope that it does the same for you as well.

Sometimes you have to take a step back in order to really see the beauty of something.  From the ledge of the Grand Canyon, Beauty shines bright as the sun.  She wears a dress of granite and sky with sparkling shoes made of rushing river.  Her eyes shine bright as the sunbeams shade the giant cliffs and valleys with color and shadow, revealing scope and texture.  Her hair smells like wildflowers in the crisp desert wind.  It’s difficult to stand on the ledge of the Grand Canyon and not notice her blinding presence.

But if you hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and lay prostrate with your face against the rocky floor, you may notice that your awareness of her will soon begin to wane.   You may find that all you see down there is rock.  Maybe some dirt or a crawling bug.  These are the threads of her dress, but up close, it’s easy to lose her essence in the details.

I find this to be true of art.

Art is not created in ivory towers or scenic overlooks.  The actual creation of beauty happens down into the valley with the dirt and the bugs.  Art is created with blistered hands and stained clothes.  The true artist treats each thread with the same care that she has for the whole dress.  But down in the dirt, it is easy to lose perspective over time.   It’s easy to start seeing rock rather than canyon, thread rather than dress–easy to be so focused on the single word in the lyric, that you can lose sight of the song, of why you even make music in the first place.

It is easy for the student to forget why she is in school at all.  She is lost in term papers and quizzes, but loses perspective of what it means to be human in the blur of her frantic motion, and her experience as a student is limited by her narrowed perspective.

It’s easy for the dad to forget that in changing diapers and scrubbing dishes, he may very well be ushering the Kingdom of God into the world.

Sometimes it is good to step back and remember the bigger picture.  I think that this has something to do with what Lent is about.  It’s about remembering who we are and why are here.  Lent is hiking up to the ledge again.  It’s reminding us of our humanity again.  We paint crosses of ash on our foreheads to remind us that we come from dust and to dust we shall return.  We give up things we like as a way of taking a step back from the blur and chaos of our lives, taking a clean look at what we have set our hands to, gathering strength for another day of work in the valley.

So to all of us with weary and blistered fingers, I pray that we would find the strength to take a step back–to hike back up to the ledge again and remember the bigger picture of who we are and why we do what we do.  We are sewing a dress—a  dress that is the essence of goodness and beauty.  It is like a Kingdom.  It’s like a wedding dress.  And when we remember this, may it fill us with courage to take a few deep breaths of that crisp desert air and descend once more into the valley where the work gets done.

…

soli deo gloria

anything you can do…the annie oakley syndrome

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anything you can do, i can do better.  i can do anything better than you.  no, you can’t. yes, i can. no, you can’t. yes, i can. no, you can’t. yes, i can, yes, i can!

annie get your gun

and that’s not all.  annie goes on to sing a laundry list of things that she can do better…

  • she is greater than you
  • she can sing anything higher than you
  • she can say anything softer than you
  • she can hold any note longer than you
  • she can say anything faster than you
  • she can sing anything sweeter than you
  • in what you wear she’d look better than you
  • she can even buy anything cheaper than you…

doesn’t it feel like sometimes, we are all secretly [or perhaps, more blatantly] singing this song to one another?  constantly one-upping and competing and comparing.  yuck.  how often do i pull an annie oakley?  what is this need to be better than everyone?  why am i competing?  why do i compare myself to others?  a pretty pathetic state of things if you ask me.

and i think that this syndrome can be especially true of women.  sometimes it is as visible as an overt assault and sometimes it is veiled by a toss of the hair, an extra coat of pink gloss, or a backhanded compliment.

we set the stage and put ourselves on display in a real-life pageant of sorts [more like three ring circus or cage match].  welcome to…the who is better show!  it is caddy and absurd.  fighting it out over who has the best wardrobe.  who has the prettiest hair.  who has the biggest house.  who has the greatest career.  who has the cutest children.  who has the sweeter voice.  and yes, even who thrift store shops better.  [i can buy anything cheaper than you]  it isn’t just about looking great,  it is about looking greater than you.  we hold up mirrors and yardsticks and scales and bank statements to compare and see who comes out on top.  these blatant comparisons and competitions eat away at our relationships.  and, they eat away at our contentment.

what’s worse?  the quiet comparisons.  the ones you say to yourself and keep tucked away in your mind.  the ones that eat away at you.  the deadly comparisons that make you feel less than and unworthy. you know.  the ones that sound like…look what she is wearing, i wish i could pull that off.  i wish my skin looked like that.  if only i had her curly hair.  if only i had her straight hair.  everything always works out for her.  she gets to stay at home with her children.  she gets to go to work and engage in meaningful pursuits.  i wish i could cook like her.  i wish i had her metabolism.  ashes, ashes, we all fall down. 

the world is ripe with opportunities to compare and compete.  why do i engage?  even if i do win in one of the aforementioned categories, that fleeting joy will soon be overshadowed by the misery and disappointment of losing in the others.  what a mess.  and yes, we all fall down.

truly, i should never ever strive to be “better than you”.  and in reality, most of time i am just competing with myself.  my concocted ideas about what i think i should be and what others think i should be.  this just leads to more comparison and competition and discontentment.  the only thing that i should be striving for is holiness.  to image Christ more and more.  to grow in my likeness to Him.  if i am going to look to anything as my model for life, let it be Christ.  i should only press on and strive for the heavenly prize.  a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised.  who cares about what others have and do.  i need to fix my gaze on Christ so that i begin to reflect more of His beauty.  less time looking in the mirror – more time looking at His Word.  less time focusing on others – more time focusing on His mercies and grace and shekinah glory.  less time competing with others – more time allowing Him to shape my life.  less time comparing – more time contemplating my own actions.  as my pastor used to say…God has given each of us a bag.  a bag with contents uniquely purposed for you.  an assortment of talents and graces and blessings.  each one a good gift given by the Father above.  we must learn to use what God has given us.  and, to keep our noses in our own bag.

here’s to not being nosey or sticking our nose up at others.